I haven't touched Livejournal in a lifetime. [ September 23rd, 2009 at 1am ] I do tumblr an awful lot these days I'm afraid. It's sort of sad, but I need to use Livejournal too. Especially to spill. So, in four days time I go to university. Yes. Off I go. Big change, biiiiig deal. What else is going on with my life? Well, I'm nearly 19. How very very odd. I'm still in love with Josh and there's still fuck all new to report. So, basically. That stays as it is for the time being. Except, I sort of am moving on a bit. I don't know. He's my soulmate right? Hm. Maybe. I guess I'll update again when I have something to say. talk

... [ July 26th, 2009 at 12am ] Yeah. I really love him. Sucks balls this does. Haha. talk

[ July 22nd, 2009 at 10am ] He freaked out and decided he didn't want me - again. Ohmy. I honestly hate the world. talk

I needed somewhere to spill where not everyone can see it. [ July 17th, 2009 at 7pm ] By not everyone, I mean one person in particular. Her name is Laura and she's still there, yeah, she's still a worry. I don't get why. He picked me (for now), at least until he freaks out and chooses otherwise. But yes. She stalks my tumblr and I stalk hers. Pretty pathetic on both our parts actually. I just want her gone. Then everyone would be okay. All my worrys. Everything. Or, for her to get a boyfriend and leave mine alone. I'm never sure if she's into him or not. I want to win this fight, I need it more than she does. I have more to lose. But, my real secret is I quite like her and I really do sympathise. I get what it's like to be in love with this boy and I bet you any money he's told her he loves her, or said something to her to make her believe it will be okay for them. It's a horrible thing to say about the boy you love, but I think he doesn't like the idea of people not caring about him - even if it's not mutual. I honestly think I love him more. No matter what he says, as soon as I'm safely his, he loses interest. He stops trying. I'm just lucky I've learnt not to care so much. This time though, he has a lot to loose. I don't know if he knows it or not but this weekend, when I see him, I'm judging whether or not I still want this, because I don't know if I do anymore. There are times when I do more than anything but others where he just doens't cross my mind much. I know I'm in love with him but I don't miss the hurt and everytime I suddenly care again, I feel it again. I only really feel close to him when he wants sex. It rarely feels special anymore. Part of me worries, if we're not fighting, we're not doing anything. It's like, dead. If one of us isn't playing hard to get and the other giving it their all then there's nearly nothing. Honestly? Yes. I love him. But I'm not truly sure why. We don't share many memories and last time he hurt me, he took a little peice of me with him. My fight - the bit of me that would come back time and time again regardless. I lost whatever it was that I thought he worth everything. I'm hoping that, I'll end up in his arms and everything ever will be okay. If it doesn't though, I think we're fucked and I'm so scared. What would I do if it doesn't come back to me? I was so in love and I mean, he blew that, not me. All the same. I want to be with him. I want it to work. There's nothing else I'd like more in the world. I just hope for both oursakes, it's perfect. I don't mean that in a threatening way, maybe we've just grown apart? Which is crazy because I never thought we would - ever. I wanted to be with him forever. Maybe it's just now, but I'm doubting it all. I miss him so much and want to be with him, in his arms. But, I just don't know Josh. The truth is, I'm still angry and I don't know what to do about that. I still don't trust you. I'll learn, but you've got to give it your all. I mean it this time. All I want is to know he really wants this and I want to see something solid that I can cling too. I need somewhere safe to put my fears and my dreams and I want you to guard them with all you have. All I have is all of me, it's yours. In return however, I want all of you, every little bit, forever, always. You just have to mean it this time, or I won't anymore. That's a promise. "I'm so glad that all our feelings are true, I can't believe that you're still acting the same like we first met." he says, "Don't you know that true love never dies?" Oh, but I'll always love you. talk

I have been a little biased towards Tumblr. [ June 30th, 2009 at 9pm ] I apolagise. I still love you livejournal. You get my most inner thoughts. So. I'm still very much in love with Josh. Michael Jackson is dead and I really don't have the energy to type much. But I feel I need to keep updating this. Argh. ARGH! ARGH! > talk

End of an era. [ June 13th, 2009 at 11am ] There isn't a lot to say. 1. I mostly use my tumlr now but LJ still deserves updates on major news. 2. Josh is still in love with Laura. Or.. 'still has feelings' for her. & yeah, that sucks. Blows. & I've deleted him out of my life. But it's a few hours in and all I wanna do is call him or text him or something. Ergh. He will be missed. talk

the single life... [ June 1st, 2009 at 10pm ] i've made mistakes, they keep me company says: baby i've made mistakes, they keep me company says: i love you talk

We're never going to be okay... [ May 10th, 2009 at 12pm ] Unless we are. THE JUICE IS WORTH THE SQUEEZE. Cheers Cheeseman. :) Just gotta wait this one out. Leave him be. & concentrate on me for a bit :Dx talk

Said this... to Josh, needed somewhere to put it. [ April 19th, 2009 at 10pm ] Leah! :] life is what happens while you're busy making excuses for yourself. says: Hey, so, I need to say some of this... except I'm not all that sure what I'm saying. If our only problem is that sometimes you don't feel like talking to me and sometimes I wanna talk to you when you don't feel like talking to me, then really, that's not a massive deal is it? We've got something really special. Or else it'd be gone by now. And sure, I get upset sometimes but you know... that's me, Leah! :] life is what happens while you're busy making excuses for yourself. says: I wouldn't be me unless I got upset like that... right.... I don't like how you always make me seem like I'm a bad person for wanting to talk to you. It's weird! But you're wrong about the fact that you're not the right guy... coz you are. FFS, We've been over this. Why do we have to keep going over it?? Why can't you just be happpppppppy. Gr. I'm just ranting at you & you're not there. Leah! :] life is what happens while you're busy making excuses for yourself. says: Oi. Idiot. Shitface. Cuntfeatures. YEAH YOU. I'm totally into you &I wanna believe you want me back. (really hope you're the person that reads this and no one else) Can't you just try a bit? Instead of saying you can't change? I've changed! I've got far less jealous & a lot less possesive and needy & all that stuff. Just.. try every now and again and text me saying 'Hey! How're you?' It's not hard Leah! :] life is what happens while you're busy making excuses for yourself. says: If I have to come and see you and punch you in the face (coz that's what you make me wanna do) until you believe that this will work, I'll do it. Or maybe you need me not to care so much. Or maybe you don't want any of it... but sometimes being one way and sometimes the other isn't good enough. Don't just read this and ignore it, the one thing shitter than being a cock is ignoring me. Dunno why it Leah! :] life is what happens while you're busy making excuses for yourself. says: gets me all paranoid. What I mean is, I'm trying for you, can you just try for me? I think we can do this. I really do. Coz well, coz I love you now. Like I sorta have from the start but lately, I've developed a soft spot for shit Josh as well as 'perfect boyfriend Josh'. But I don't ask much of you really. I don't. So. Well. Argh. I dunno. Just could you please stop making me cry please? And Leah! :] life is what happens while you're busy making excuses for yourself. says: maybe enquire as to how I am sometimes... Either that or say what you want & mean it. Coz last week it was all 'I wanna be with you' and now it's 'I dunno if it works' No wonder I'm messed up :/ I'm not asking for much, just some consistancy from a boy who has me completely under his control. Love you. A lot. Not just throwing it around. Really actually mean it. Which sucks for me I guess. So. Leah! :] life is what happens while you're busy making excuses for yourself. says: Yeah, reply on here. Spose. If I'm not online I may be later. Or just read it... but gimmie some kinda response over some medium. Leah! :] life is what happens while you're busy making excuses for yourself. says: Sorry for the rant. I'm a crazy person. Truly. & now.... SCROLL UP ;p talk

I had a nice weekend with Josh... [ April 18th, 2009 at 4pm ] my erm, boyfriend? Or something. :)x talk

:D Will it ever end? [ April 1st, 2009 at 11am ] So we're kinda not calling it off forever. I'm quite content this way tbh. I like it. I'm trying really hard not to text him as much, and to be less annoying in general. Nothing's concrete. I mean we haven't said 'oh we're getting back together', and I don't plan on getting my hopes up either, I think... we're really doing the right thing this time. I think he's right, we do have something very special, we are supposed to be together and in a sense, it's like we're doing this now so it'll work later. I'm commited to this. But, I don't want it to be everything. I did, once. But now I really just want it to be there... be secure, not have to worry and get on with everything else. Weirdly enough I'm sorta really okay with the Laura thing to the point where I almost think he'd be better off with her. Or at least I just couldn't get in the way of their friendship. My friends have been so fucking important to me lately and, at the end of the day, Josh is just a guy. I mean, he's become a really important person but Sian, Andrew, Foy, Sundean & atm... Chris, literally dunno where the fuck I'd be without them. Especially Andrew & Sian. So, when I put into how I'd feel if I had to make a choice between my best friend in the whole world (and that's what she is, even though he claims not to have best friends) and Josh... well I'd pick them. This may be the first time I actually mean that as well. It's dumb. It still upsets me, I mean... I don't get why she can't just accept me... but then, that doesn't matter, I really don't want to get in between that. I really couldn't forgive myself. So I figure I distance myself for a bit. Give him some time, let him work it out and hopefully if he decides he does want me, it'll be for the right reasons. I don't want anyone else :) Still. Ever. (yet). But I have far larger things to worry about. I miss him, a lot... everyday. But it doesn't really hurt anymore. Anyway, I have 2000 words to write for tommorow. I'ma get cracking! :) talk

Over & out [ March 23rd, 2009 at 9pm ] So, me and Joshua are over. Kaput. Horrible. Hate it. Makes me feel a bit sick if I'm honest. I even deleted his number and everything. I feel sick with it all. This is all stupidly hard. But not as hard as it has been in the past. He's so good looking and I'm upset because we were good this time a week ago. However, if he's happy, I'm happy? Kinda. I adore Holiday Parade right now. I don't look back I'm a forward thinker Don't think I'm a wreck but you beg to differ And you always smile when you tell me it's over I lose track of time but this you already know think out in rhyme but like sounds better when it flows and still you smile you tell me it's over, yeah. Yeah, is it enough? It's never enough to sell yourself for less than love It's keeping me up through the morning With no warning Lately I've been numb I swear I'm getting better Or it's just begun it really doesn't matter cause The way I see Things will end as they're meant to... Just like we do. Yeah, is it enough? It's never enough to sell yourself for less than love It's keeping me up through the morning You're the only way that I want But is it enough to tell you again just one more time? You go and leave me abruptly with no warning, with no warning Wow. Could there be more apt lyrics? Probabaly not. Well. Yes. I could write a song like 'I love you Josh, be mine, love from Leah'. But it wouldn't be as good. Or probabaly as honest. I don't know. :) Oh well, there's so much more to life. I keep telling myself this. But I like being with someone. Not just anyone, it's stupid, but I don't see myself liking anyone else for a good long while. I'm not sad exactly. Not all the time. I just really don't see why I should bother going after any one else?? This boy was... y'know. As close to perfect as they come. I know he was a douche. But I don't can't blame him for any of it. He felt how he felt. All caught up in the difficulties rather than seeing how perfect it could of become - we both were. But, I spent 5 months or so (we met 6 months ago, yesterday) with one of the funniest, wittiest, cutest, hottest people I've ever met and I don't think I can forget that easily. He's going to be really hard to improve on. Those first few days, where we text all day everyday, don't think I've ever been that stupidly happy. He made me so confident in myself. I think, thanks to Josh, I learnt to like who I am again. I mean, he messed me around, he made me feel lower than lower but honestly, he could also make me feel amazingly special without trying hard at all. I guess I'm resigned to the fact it's over for good now and I'm scared I'll just become another story or another name to tell the next girl he sees (or worse, falls in love with). But I learnt a lot about myself because of him. Texting people all the time is scary Leah, don't do it! Also, I got in too deep too soon, he was right, waiting would have made it better. A title isn't that important. Don't start arguments over nothing... Friends come first. I knew it all. I don't know why I didn't do it more. If I had the chance. I'd do it over, a lot differently. It's stupid. I want to fight for him. Go there & win him back. I want too. But I won't. I want my friend back :( A lot. I miss talking to him. I get that we can't talk all the time. But... I miss someone that really did come to be one of my best friends. He wasn't always brilliant at being there but, he did have to deal with a lot of my shit, I bet he's glad to get rid of that. It's so odd. I've never ever been this fond of someone I just broke up with. I can't hate him, at all. I'm... a bit in love with him. Which must be pretty scary from his point of view, because I know it's not mutual. And it's not even proper love on my part. But it feels like it's so full of potential and dead too soon. It's pretty heartbreaking to tell you the truth... soul destroying. I can't help but think of him and smile shit loads. I've never regretted anything in my life but our short lived relationship is tarnished with regret after regret. I now know that regret isn't about things that went awfully, but things that never reached their full perfection potential. To think I'm never going to be able to lie and listen to James Taylor with him or say 'that's what she said' or... send new music to him or any of it. I'll miss it all. His amazing arms ;) The sex (a lot) But it's shitter than that. I'm gonna miss his stupid faces & little jealous moments about guys. I'm going to miss arguing with him about fuck all. ALL OF IT. I'd kill for any kind of reaction right now. Oh my god. This is horrible. Not in the depressive way that some of my break ups have been. They've been awful. But honestly, I haven't cried since last Tuesday (maybe Wednesday), which beats crying everyday for 3 months. But that makes it worse. It feels so wrong. Premature. There's a part of me screaming 'DO SOMETHING!!' 'Don't let this one get away!'. But really. I've got too. Because, scarily I'm growing up and starting to realise that you can't make anyone feel how you want them too and I believe he still likes me. I just think he doesn't want the realtionship and when you care about someone this much, you want them to be happy, above all else. Even if it means me being miserable. I guess this is what I mean by growing up. I also need to learn to be on my own. Which blows. Because I don't want to be. I want to be with Josh. So, I've deleted his number and all I want to do is text him. I want to be like 'oh my god, have you heard the new Holiday Parade song?' and shoooot from there. But. I can't. And, you know, the whole Laura thing still upsets me. But get the fuck over it Leah! She's clearly a lovely girl that cares about him fuck loads, and... I guess this is part of the growing up thing I was talking about... that can never be a bad thing, having people that care about you. If and I mean if they ended up together, they were always going too and it was beyond my control. But if not, he has his best friend back and I'm glad I'm not in the way of that anymore. To sum up... Do I wish things were different? Of course I fucking do! I want my boy back. I want to ring him up and tell him I'll do damn near anything to get him back. But I won't. You never know, it could happen. But I think that's unlikely. I guess, for the time being though, I'm here if he decides he wants me. I've got interest (as always) but I've only got eyes for Josh atm. I don't know if that sounds healthy, but I'm not saying I won't be open to fall, I'm just not settling for less. It's perfection or nothing. So, I'm not waiting. I just think I'll be here for a while. I won't get with anyone till I'm over him anyways. I don't need no rebound. I need to be okay with myself. Basically, I'm a bit in love with him and I hope everything goes amazing for him and I don't ever want to see him upset because that's the kinda person I've decided to be. Sucks. But I'll be okay. talk

Well well well... [ March 14th, 2009 at 1pm ] I just made this: http://notwithoutafight.tumblr.com/ Literally, NOTHING on it just yet but I'm going to do something with it when I can. I don't know what yet... I'm only going to upload stuff I find that's good. Not really sure where and when. Don't worry trusty Livejournal, you're still going to get the shit that comes out of my head. I don't know what I'd do if I lost the stuff on here. It's not even funny. I love you so much Livejournal haha. Just sit there & listen & never say anything to my bunch of crazy. So.. Myspace is down and I cba with Facebook, hence why I'm here. I may do some PC sorting in a bit. Though really, it's my room that could do with a tidy... Whatever. Anyways, as per usual, my life is in turmoil. Though I don't feel so shit. Just did mock exams and I know I didn't do that awfully, not that well either. I now have to get back to doing actual college stuff *dread*. But it was nice doing exams. Haha. I like it, not a lot expected... go in, sit down, write everything you know.. get out, go home. A lot easier than college. Me & Josh are a mess as per usual. I can't fucking let go of that boy. I swear... we're going to last forever out of sheer like, persistance. We're stupid. I can't ever get him to call me his girlfriend. It shouldn't be this hard. But... it is and he's gorgeous. Haha. I don't know why I can never think of anything else to say about him. He's funny? I don't know. He's lovely. MMM ADJECTIVE CENTRAL. I have literally no idea what to say. Lately he's started telling me he loves me and it kinda falls hollow. I dunno. I'm so not as dependent upon him to be happy as I used to be. I also realised, I don't HAVE to talk to him all the time but actually, if I feel like it, and wanna text him, there's literally no reason I shouldn't. Fuck it, if wanting to talk to your boy is clingy then ... yah! ATTACH ME RIGHT UP. I feel like going out & getting wrecked, but I'm going to stay in and tidy up and make sticky toffee pudding instead. :) AND... there is my random non complaining message or whatever. I have a headache. I'm bored. RARRRRRR! talk

Josh & me are over :) [ March 7th, 2009 at 6pm ] & I'm okay. talk

I really could see myself... [ March 2nd, 2009 at 11pm ] with this boy for always. (L) talk

So I'm in such a contemplative mood. [ February 24th, 2009 at 12am ] I'm so confused. I still feel like I'm being sold short. I like this guy so much but why is nothing simple? I really am in love with pianos atm. Must be my theatre arts project coming through. So, a girl at my college was stabbed by her boyfriend on Saturday. I didn't know her so it didn't upset me insanse amounts, but it was sad and it did worry me. Not that my boy would hurt me (not like that). It's just horrible. Look how powerful love can be. Though that's not love. 'The hours pass and she still counts the minutes' - I love Jacks Mannequin. Hm. Just in one of my contemplative, pretty emotional moods. So, Josh is out tonight and will be tommorow. He's in London all weekend. So how come he says he can never afford to come see me? I just think there are so many problems with us. I don't even get butterflies. Just sad all the time. I want a hug :( I should go to bed. Argh. College is going to kill me and whatever. I need sleep. talk

Wow. Just Wow. [ February 16th, 2009 at 12am ] touchdown boy says: i have on regret with us touchdown boy says: i mean touchdown boy says: well i have a few touchdown boy says: but one keeps nagging me Leah :] I just wanna pick back up right where we left off so we don't get caught up again. says: yeah? touchdown boy says: the fact that we told each other we loved each other that first night touchdown boy says: cos i think im realli falling for u touchdown boy says: and it will never be as special when we properly say it for the first time touchdown boy says: ya know? Leah :] I just wanna pick back up right where we left off so we don't get caught up again. says: I know exactly what you mean. Leah :] I just wanna pick back up right where we left off so we don't get caught up again. says: Now it always seems like it's like displaced. touchdown boy says: yeah touchdown boy says: o well touchdown boy says: i mean touchdown boy says: tbh touchdown boy says: i have a bunch of other regrets Leah :] I just wanna pick back up right where we left off so we don't get caught up again. says: like? touchdown boy says: like not telling u how i felt about u on valentines day touchdown boy says: like not making the most of when u come to stay touchdown boy says: ive never taken u out for dinner, cinema, to a club just me and u touchdown boy says: like we dont do more during the days wen ur here touchdown boy says: like the fact u think i only care wen i want sex touchdown boy says: o touchdown boy says: ive deleted the photos u sent me touchdown boy says: the naughty ones i mean touchdown boy says: cos touchdown boy says: well touchdown boy says: it didnt feel right having them touchdown boy says: cos i dont ever want u to think thats all u are to me again touchdown boy says: ur not touchdown boy says: ur quickly becoming the most important person in my life touchdown boy says: u make things easier touchdown boy says: u gimme somebody to talk to wen i have nobody else touchdown boy says: u always listen to everything i say and do ur best to help touchdown boy says: ull give anything i send u a listen or a watch touchdown boy says: even if its a ridiculous clip foprm youtube touchdown boy says: u go out of ur way for me on anything touchdown boy says: from music to recording the football for me touchdown boy says: and im so fuckin grateful touchdown boy says: ive just nevr shown it touchdown boy says: but im going to touchdown boy says: im going to prove to u, not that ur worthy of me, but that im worthy of u talk

So complicated... [ February 6th, 2009 at 12am ] So Josh and me are on a break. A week's break. Pointless. Is he ever going to commit to something? No idea why I put up with it! In better news... I met a well cool guy. By met I mean talk to on msn. Such a legend. Chris is ace! Haha. Nice to have someone to talk to that can't judge me or won't.. besides livejournal that is. & me & Ian are back talking again. So it's not all bad. House party tommorow, get WASTEEEEEEEEEED! :]x 1 // talk

I'm not a hopeless romantic... [ January 25th, 2009 at 4pm ] I'm just romantic, yeah and I'm very hopeless. He's the oddest person in the world. Really odd. Friday night was amazing, Saturday was okay but we had an odd talk where he talked about all the amazing girls he knows and knew and I realised I don't compare and it just made me feel shit. & he fell asleep as I said the words 'Tonight you've made me realise I'm really not special at all, thank you' and kissed him and he was kinda asleep and didn't respond but my gosh, he has so many close girl mates and I guess I have close guy mates but it's not the same. He went on about how good looking they all are and stuff, was he trying to make me jealous or what? And I dunno, I'm probabaly being paranoid but he still cares about Laura so much, I was like a little bit mean about her and he got pissed off and all defensive but it's so weird because on Friday he was so kissy and cuddly and like so lovely to me... I don't think I'm going to see him for ages, he's going to Newquay with people, I think Laura though he didn't say her... on Valentines Day. Ergh. I hate it but I can't say anything. I'm just not going to think about how much I hate it. I have an essay to write that I'm not doing very well, I'm too tired. My lasting memories are always the shit bits. I'm seriously falling for him tooo bad and I don't know if it's love or whatever. I HAVE NO IDEA. I just know it's hard and I wish he was around more and it's probs going to be shit for the next few days and then it'll get better. It's a pattern we go through. It's loadsa fun. talk

I forgot... [ January 18th, 2009 at 11am ] me & Josh are making a go of it again. :) I think that's a good thing. x talk

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]